WDW: The Little Hitchhiker
by Blue Paratroopa
Summary: In a Little Mermaid parody, Ezra the Hitchhiking Ghost longs to be human. When the Disney villains find out, they decide to help...
1. Ghosts of the Mansion

Over at the cartoon crossovers section, EVERYONE has done a Little Mermaid parody. Hopefully mine will be a little unique.

* * *

It was early morning in Liberty Square at Disney World. The first guests of the day were still just arriving, so the park was not yet crowded. Mickey himself was out and about, dressed as Steamboat Willie and driving the Riverboat around Tom Sawyer Island. 

Cast Members on the Boat: **_I'll tell you a tale of this park's big mascots_**

_**And it's hey to the starboard, heave ho**_

_**They've got the stuff that all the hot girls will want**_

_**They're the wonderful Disney heros**_

_**Disney heros, heros**_

_**They're out and they're on the go**_

_**They protect us all and they never will fall**_

_**For they're wonderful Disney heros**_

_**Heave ho**_

_**Heave ho**_

One little guest was also onboard, and very excited. "I wanna see Peter Pan an' Hercules an' Aladdin..."

His grandpa laughed. "So you like the heros, eh? You planning on going on the Haunted Mansion?" He pointed to (one of the greatest) rides, a foreboding-looking house sitting at the edge of Liberty Square.

"Are there heros in there?" asked the boy.

"Well, in a way. See, the ghosts can get themselves into some pretty big trouble, namely a trio of hitchhikers. But they have each other's back and they always get out of it and save the day in the process. Heros or not, they're ironically the liveliest people here!"  
Cast Members: **_Heave ho_**

_**Heave ho**_

_**Heave ho**_

_**They're the wonderful Disney heros!**_

Meanwhile, inside, Master Gracey of the Haunted Mansion was riding through on a Doombuggy testing a new idea. "I just don't feel this is true to the original vision," he said to his wife Lilly who was riding with him. "I mean, replacing 'Grim Grinning Ghosts' with a silly classical number?"

"Well, let's just try this out," said Lilly.

"Alright, but I'm the tiniest bit nervous..."

Ghosts: **_We are the ghosts of the Mansion_**

_**Imagineries made us and named us well**_

_**Leota, Emily, Sir Gilmore, and Prudence, Little Gus, Phineas**_

Gracey smiled. This was decent! They then reached the Hitchhiker's crypt.

_**And then there is the craziest who waits here at the end**_

_**The wackiest of all ghosts (and he's sort of our friend)**_

_**He bounces round and always tries to bother Leota**_

_**He's the main guy, that Ez-**_

But when they reached the mirror where Ezra was supposed to appear...they saw nothing. "EZRA!" yelled Gracey.

Ezra sat up on Splash Mountain looking down at Cast Members. "Man, how come they get to have all the fun?"

Brer Fox and Brer Bear peeked out from around the corner, "Hey, it's some ghost!" hissed Brer Fox. "Think he's got any meat on him?"

"Well, uh..." started Brer Bear.

"Course he does!" Brer Fox cut him off. "Everything does!"

Two vultures, the Boothill Boys, laughed from a tree. "That's where you're wrong," said one. "He's just dead."

"Dead?" said the other one. "We eat dead things!"

"So we do...we'll pay you guys to catch him."

Brer Fox eagerly pointed at Ezra. "Get him, Brer Bear!" Brer Bear thumped towards Ezra, but fell down the flume into the briar patch when the ghost simply stepped to the side.

"Take this!" Brer Fox swung an axe at Ezra's head, but nothing happened.

"Ha!" laughed Ezra. "When you're dead, you can make anything go through you!" Ezra suddenly fell out of sight. "Including the floor! See ya!"

Brer Fox, not yet grasping the ghost rules, was stunned. "WHAT! He buried himself!" The fox grabbed a shovel and started frantically digging.

One vulture grinned. "Wow, watching this is just as fun as eating dead stuff."

Ezra, meanwhile, was slipping away outside. "Beat that one, Brer Rabbit!"

Climbing out of the briar patch, Brer Bear suddenly lunged at Ezra, crushing him onto the ground. Brer Fox tunneled out next to them. "Got him! Now let's hand him over to the vultures!"

Ezra glared at them. "All I want to do is come here, check out girls, and fantasize about being human and YOU guys won't leave me alone!" Ezra calmly walked through Brer Bear. "I'm going home."

Mr. Bluebird perched on a tree next to him. "Isn't going through stuff fun?"

"Of course. A lot of stuff about being a ghost is fun. I used to love it. It's just...lately I've felt different. And I don't know why."

As Ezra walked back to the mansion, he didn't notice an odd tenctacle coming out of Splash Mountain's river, as if a famous villain was spying on him...

* * *

I'm sort of annoyed at how I wrote Ezra in this first chapter. Hopefully he'll be more of himself in the next ones. 


	2. Ezra the Stalker

George Gracey paced around Ezra back at the mansion. "The whole preview for the new ride was ruined! Guests were completely baffled on where you were!"

Ezra thought quickly. "Hey, I was...boycotting it! Remember the 'Journey Into Imagination' disaster? Or what about 'Alien Encounter?' Why, Stitch, WHY!"

George sighed. "Well, I never did like the idea of throwing out 'Grim Grinning Ghosts.' Of course, nothing could top the time the Country Bears went pop."

"Am I the only one who hates Disneymania?" asked Ezra. "Seriously, am I the only one? In their version of the Pirates of the Carribean theme, they say 'Stand up me hearties' instead of 'drink up!' That's blasphemously!"

"Well, there you have it!" cried Phineas. "Ezra's saved the ride again!"

"I say we erect a huge statue of him," said Gus.

Phineas smiled. "The word 'erect' makes me giggle."

"Besides," shrugged Ezra, "Brer Fox and Brer Bear never catch on to the whole ghost thing. They're easy to lose."

George looked up. "Wait a second...Brer Fox and Brer Bear? What were they doing here? You were hanging around the cast members, weren't you? You're not allowed to leave during park hours! It's your job!"

"Hey, they're to blame too," defended Ezra, "stalking an innocent little ghost like me just leering at a few girls all innocent-like!"

"Just DON'T leave the mansion again!" yelled Gracey.

Ezra calmly left the rooms. "We heil, heil, right in der Fuehrer's face," he called.

"Is he quoting from wartime cartoons to insult me?" asked Gracey, confused and angry.

"Yeah, he does that," said Phineas.

George Gracey let out a long sigh. "Can I trust you two with something very important?"

"Probably not," admitted Gus.

"Too late! You must keep an eye on Ezra! He's planning something."

"But we can't control him!" complained Phineas. "You'd have a better chance bringing back that suit of armor that scared too many people!"

"Maybe he's just gonna burn a bunch of Disneymania CDs again," said Gus.

Phineas thought for a few seconds. The mansion may end up in trouble if Ezra kept ditching his post. "Well, we'll try..."

The park was closing. Phineas and Gus found Ezra in his room, and saw that he had done some redecorating. It was full of candid cast member shots! Some were in fold-out form!

"Where did you get all this stuff!" cried Phineas in amazement.

"Around," said Ezra, lost in his thoughts.

"You must have good connections," said Gus.

Ezra: **_Look at this stuff  
Isn't it neat?_**

_**Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?**_

_**Wouldn't you think I'm the ghost**_

_**The ghost who has everything?**_

_**Look at this place**_

_**All that I need**_

_**In girls' bedrooms I have video feed**_

_**Lookin' around here you'd think**_

_**Sure, he's got everything**_

_**  
I've got pictures and foldouts aplenty**_

_**I've got videos and DVDs**_

_**You want Flash Mountain shots?**_

_**I got twenty**_

_**But who cares?**_

_**No big deal**_

_**Don't you see?**_

_**I wanna be where the people are**_

_**I wanna see**_

_**Wanna see 'em working**_

_**Looking up at those**_

_**(Whad'ya call 'em?) oh - stars**_

****

_**Fantasizing you don't get too far**_

_**Doesn't matter how realistic it is**_

_**Getting a drink in a**_

_**(What's that word again?) bar**_

_**Out where they walk**_

_**Out where they run**_

_**Out where they stay all day in the sun**_

_**Wandering free**_

_**Wish I could be**_

_**Part of that world**_

_**  
**_

_**What would I give**_

_**If I could live**_

_**Outta this mansion**_

_**What would I pay**_

_**To spend a day**_

_**Out on the beach**_

_**Betcha out there**_

_**They wouldn't care**_

_**Whether I hung out with the humans**_

_**I'm really drab**_

_**Sick of rehab**_

_**Out of my reach**_

****

_**And ready to know what the people know**_

_**Ask 'em my questions**_

_**And get some answers**_

_**Like where's Elvis and does he**_

_**(What's the word?) live?  
**_

_**When's it my turn?**_

_**It would be great**_

_**Love to just finally float out this gate**_

_**Out of this crypt**_

_**And take a trip**_

_**Into that world**_

"Hoo boy," said Phineas after an awkward pause. "If Master Gracey knew about this place, he'd..."

Ezra jumped up. "Well, he's not gonna know about this place, is he?"

"Look," warned Gus, "you're gonna be in a lot of trouble if you don't stop this whole obsession with random cast members."

Ezra smiled. "Well, there's this one girl who I really like...hey, I think it's her turn to close up Big Thunder tonight! I'm going to check her out!" Ezra ran out. Phineas and Gus quickly followed.

"Wait, Ezra!" called Phineas.

"Uh, he's not gonna be in trouble if it's after hours," said Gus.

"Yeah, but after all these sneaking out things, this won't go over well!"

* * *

I'm slightly disappointed at how Ezra's song turned out. I was going for a real "sounds like he's the world's biggest stalker" thing, but editied a few lines out about porn to keep this story close to decent.

Another thing. I have no idea what to name Ezra's romantic interest. HELP!

And finally, I really do hate Disneymania. Sorry.


	3. Big Thunder Mountain

Ezra flew through the night sky, as fireworks exploded over the castle. He landed on Big Thunder Mountain's highest ridge. Mr. Bluebird joined him. "Boy, Ezra, you seem excited!"

"Sure am!" smiled Ezra. He pointed at a young attractive woman walking along the tracks of the ride, giving it a final check. "My favorite cast member is out! She's so beautiful."

"I thought you only liked fat ladies," said the bird.

Ezra laughed. "Thankfully, I've grown out of that fetish."

"So what's her name?"

"Uh...I don't know," admitted Ezra. "I've sorta stalled meeting with her."

"So how do you know you like her?" asked Mr. Bluebird.

"Are you nuts!" exclaimed Ezra. "She's always got a big Disney trivia book with her...usually a Haunted Mansion themed one. I'm in love! And best of all, through some baby monitors I hid in her house, I know she doesn't have a boyfriend!"

"That's nice...wait, you hid what?"

"Yeah," grinned the ghost, "I'm a crafty one. But how does a ghost who never really had a life ask a girl out? I mean, my whole background was just written by someone!"

"Relax," said Mr. Bluebird. "I don't even have any lines in a movie that can't be released."

"Yeah, your life sucks. Well, all I can do is gaze down on her."

Phineas and Gus joined him. "Ezra!" yelled Phineas. "Get out of here!"

"Don't make me make you Gus's size!" threatened the dwarf.

"Oh, bug off," glared Ezra. "I'm fine up here. A clear, night sky..." Ezra was zapped by lightning as it began to storm. "Woo! I'm a lightning rod!"

"What doesn't kill him will only make him crazier," said Phineas.

Gus turned to the pretty cast member. "That girl better get off the tracks before she gets hurt."

Lighting hit the ride controls. A train suddenly started driving towards her.

"Can that really happen?" asked Gus.

"Science doesn't matter!" cried Ezra. "I'll save you, mystery love!"

As the girl tried to get out of the way, some rocks fell and knocked her unconscious. Ezra took off down the tracks and grabbed the girl. "I touched her! I'm touchING Awesome! I feel all tingly!" A rock hit him. "Now I feel dizzy...in a tingly way."

Ezra plopped onto the tracks. The train was now approaching both of them.

"Gus!" cried Phineas. "We gotta do something!"

"I'm on it!" Gus threw his ball and chain onto the controls. The train stopped dead in its tracks. (DEAD! Get it!)

"Yay!" cheered Phineas.

Lightning struck the controls again. The train started up.

"Wow, that's some smart electricity," said Mr. Bluebird. "Makes me happy to be a southern hick."

Ezra sat up. "Hey, Casey Junior's coming down the tracks! ...closer and closer. AAAAHHH!" Ezra grabbed the girl again and flew down into the swamp area nearby. He laid her down. "There..." he sighed. "No more trains."

Ezra looked up to see the Walt Disney World Railroad coming at him. "Oh, enough with the drama!" He moved the girl. "There..."

"She isn't dead, is she?" asked Phineas as the others watched from the roller coaster.

"Nah, her ghost woulda come out by now," said Gus.

Mr. Bluebird flew away. "I think we all should leave now. He's having a tender moment."

"Tender?" repeated Phineas. "HIM?"

Ezra: **_What would I give_**

_**To live where you are?**_

_**What would I pay**_

_**To stay here beside you?**_

_**What would I do to see you**_

_**Smiling at me?**_

Phineas and Gus gasped in confusion. Gus's jaw literally hit the floor.

_**Where would we walk?**_

_**Where would we run?**_

_**If we could stay all day in the sun?**_

_**Just you and me**_

_**And I could be**_

_**Part of your world**_

Ezra hid as the girl got up and left. "Aww..." he sighed dreamily. "She's so lovely when she's dazed and confused."

_**I don't know when**_

_**I don't know much**_

_**But this crazy ghost hasn't lost his touch**_

_**Watch and you'll see**_

_**Someday I'll be**_

_**Part of your world**_

As Ezra sang, a huge wave came up from the swamp behind him and drenched the ghost. "Hey! Who did that?"

Ezra turned to see a tentacle disappearing into the water. "Weird...it's like I'm being watched."

* * *

I'm happy for all the name suggestions for the girl. However, I think I'm still going to put off naming her...until her next scene. 


	4. Production Number!

The next few days, Ezra dreamily floated through the mansion, picking petals off dead flowers he had found in the conservatory. Phineas and Gus paced nearby.

"Okay," said Phineas, "Gracey doesn't know yet."

"About what?" asked Gus.

"You know what! The whole rescue thing!"

"Oh yeah. Good times, man."

"If the others find out..." Phineas mumbled. "Oh no! What if that bird told all the critters in Chick-a-pin Hill?"

Gus shrugged. "Eh, as long as they speak in thick offensive dialect, no one's gonna understand them."

Ezra, meanwhile, was planning to himself. "I gotta do something romantic to get her attention! Woo her! WOO!"

Phineas grabbed his legs and pulled him down. "Man, you've got to take an interest to someone in here! Little Leota's not too bad looking, actually."

"She's EVIL!" yelled Ezra. "I'm just crazy! Big difference. Besides, I can't stand her."

"What about Emily?"

"Hatchet Emily? Nah."

"Uh...Bea?"

"Actually-NO! That cast member is the only one for me!"

Gus's eyes teared up. "Don't you like us anymore?"

"Of course I do! I love you guys! I love this mansion! I love the organ music...wait, that's calypso music. Is someone gonna sing?"

Phineas sprang up. "Finally!"

"Our own number!" cried Gus.

Phineas: **_The dust can always be grayer_**

_**In somebody else's room**_

_**You dream about going out there**_

_**But that may lead to your doom**_

Gus: **_Just look at the dark around you_**

_**Right here on this dusty floor**_

_**Such wonderful freaks surround you**_

_**What more are you looking for?**_

Both: **_Haunted Mansion_**

_**Haunted Mansion**_

Phineas: **_Trust me it's better_**

Gus:**_ That girl, forget her_**

Both: **_Relationship's done_**

_**Out in that park they work all day**_

_**And in the sun they bake away**_

_**Sad times are rare, an'**_

_**We have fun scarin'**_

_**Haunted Mansion**_

Busts: **_Down here all the spooks are happy_**

Phineas: **_For us, scaring is an art_**

Busts: **_The spooks out there sure ain't happy_**

Gus: **_They're plush and they're on that cart_**

Busts: **_But spooks on the cart are lucky_**

_**Soon someone will come around**_

_**For some crazy kid will take them**_

Plush: **_Who knows where they'll next be found_**

Ballroom Ghosts: **_Haunted Mansion_**

_**Haunted Mansion**_

_**Frowning Cast Members**_

_**We all remembers**_

_**They're so much fun**_

Gargoyles: **_We're like some zombie mousketeers_**

Hatbox Ghost: **_All of us from great Imagineers_**

Suit of Armor: **_We're satisfied now_**

Pop-Up Ghosts: **_Least, we've implied now_**

Phineas and Gus: **_Haunted Mansion_**

_**Haunted Mansion**_

_**Since death is sweet here**_

_**We got the beat here**_

_**It's never shunned**_

Gus: **_Even Leota and her brat_**

_**Loosen up, have fun (think of that!)**_

_**We got the "spirit"**_

_**You got to hear it**_

All: **_Haunted Mansion_**  
Soon the mansion was full of dancing ghosts. Phineas ran over to Ezra. "See?"

"As fun as this song is," admitted Ezra, "I'm not won over yet."

Gus ran over to a speaker and turned up the music. "Then we'll keep trying!"

All: **_Haunted Mansion_**

_**Haunted Mansion**_

_**When the organ**_

_**Makes sounds of morgues an'**_

_**It's music to me**_

_**In Disney World and Disneyland**_

_**We got the Phantom Five, what a band**_

_**Each singing bust there**_

_**Knows fun's a must here**_

_**Haunted Mansion**_

_**Each ghostly dog here**_

_**Howls through the fog here**_

_**Haunted Mansion**_

_**Each floating head here**_

_**Is good and dead here**_

_**We don't need fountains**_

_**Or the "Flash Mountain"**_

_**Yeah, we're in luck here**_

Ezra: **_Technically stuck here_**

All: **_Haunted Mansion_**

Phineas threw out his arms in a big finish. "There! Ezra? Ezra?" The ghost was gone.

"Man, he just keeps coming and going," said Gus.

A ghost from "Lonesome Ghosts" flew over. "Hey, guys! The master's looking for you!"

Gus looked nervously at Phineas. "Us? Uh-oh."

Phineas nearly fainted. "What if he found out about Ezra's room of wonders?"

"What wonders?" said a voice. Phineas whirled around to find George Gracey standing right behind him.

"Uh...as in Wonderland?" said the nervous ghost. "Man, that caterpillar with the hookah pipe cracks me up!"

Ezra was in his room, sculpting a statue of the cast member. "Man, I've outdone myself."

"You certainly have." George stood in the doorway.

Ezra grinned. "Uh...can I offer you a genuine Wonderland hookah pipe?"

"Don't blink." Letoa suddenly flew in and destroyed all of the pictures in a few seconds with her powers. Ezra gazed at what once held thousands of pictures of beautiful women.

"Just you wait!" he shrieked. "Just you wait! I'll get more pictures! More, more, more! Everything I wanted AND MORE!" Ezra flew out.

"Think I was too hard?" Gracey asked Leota.

"Like your head!" Ezra yelled from down the hall.

"No, he needed it," said Leota.

"Like you need a kick in the butt!" yelled Ezra. "Which you don't have!"

"He's waiting around the hall to insult us," grumbled Gracey.

"Sure am!" Ezra flew out of the mansion and across the park. "I gotta cool off...Blizzard Beach time."

Phineas and Gus watched. "Well, at least he's still sorta joking," said Phineas.

"Yeah, but we better follow him."

* * *

Honestly, I think a few of these scenes are rushed, but I hated the destruction of the grotto scene as a kid. I would always run away (then again, a lot of stuff scared me. I was a wimp). 


	5. Poor Unfortunate Ghost

Ezra sat in the kiddie pool of Blizzard Beach, which everyone else wisely avoided. As the ghost sulked, a haze surrounded him. In an instant, he was no longer wallowing in his personal toilet, but in the Underworld staring at Hades. "The name is Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi, how ya doing?"

Ezra sprang up. "Hades! You've kidnaped me! Well, I happen to have the world's best lawyer on my side and we ain't taking this sitting down!"

Hades tried to calm the ghost down. "Hold on a second..."

Ignoring the god, Ezra did a genie-style transformation into a lawyer. "I'm my own lawyer! I say this man should have life in jail and have nude photographs of Esmeralda dangled in front of him but always too far away to make out the details!"

"What are you..." started Hades.

"I'm also the judge!" continued Ezra, transforming into a judge. "GUILTY!"

Ezra turned to Pain and Panic, who were walking in at that second. "Arrest him!" he cried, pointing to Hades.

"Uh...okay." The two imps started for Hades, who simply threw a few flames at them, sending the duo bouncing away painfully. "I never know what's going around here!" called Panic.

"Now that that little bit of holy crap weirdness is over," said Hades, "there's this deal people want to make with you."

Ezra jumped up again. "Like the deal you made with HERCULES! Well, my godlike strength is here to stay!"

Hades rolled his eyes. "No, it's about that hot girl you like."

Ezra glared at Hades suspiciously. "Her! Is this one of those things where I leave the Underworld but if I turn around, I see her and she's gone forever and then I regret it for the rest of my life and sing so sadly that everyone kills me and we can live together as shadows afterwards? 'Cause that's freaky."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. A little too much sugar there."

"Nah," said Ezra, "this is me depressed. You don't want to see on sugar."

"It's not me making the deal," explained Hades. "It's Ursula."

"Her? Weird, my memories of her movie are oddly hazy. Did she die by falling off of Big Ben?"

"Nah, that was the rat."

Ezra looked sad. "Mickey's dead? He never liked me, you know."

"Enough with the Disney jokes! Let's go make that deal."

"Okay." The two slowly floated upwards. "Can't we go any faster?" complained Ezra.

"She doesn't come out until night falls. We've got some time to kill."

"Oh." Ezra was silent for a while and then said, "Hey, does anyone else think that 'Mike's Supershort Show' is nothing but a crappy commercial with awful jokes and plugs that put the movies to shame?"

"Thank you. I hate it, too."

"That's comforting."

By the time they finally reached the surface, the sun had fallen. They were now on the stage of Fantasmic. Ezra couldn't help but notice that many evil Disney characters were there. "Ooh. A lot of villains here. Is this a set-up."

"No," chorused the villains.

"Just checking."

The stage shook. Ursula emerged from the water. Ezra stepped back defensively. "Hey, now I know who's been following me! It's you! You're a stalker! It's my manly ways and paraphrase, right?"

"Don't make me laugh," said the sea witch. "I know you're in love with that Cast Member."

Ezra smiled. "Yeah, I recently learned her name! Ariel!" (THERE YOU HAVE IT!)

"I HATE THAT NAME!" bellowed Ursula.

"Well," grumbled an insulted Ezra.

Ursula calmed down and leaned over to the ghost. "The way to get to her is to become human."

"But I'm a fictional undead character!" protested Ezra. "She's real! Well, she's technically fictional as well, since this is all a story, but that's besides the point. How do I become human?"

Ursula: **_I admit that in the past I've been a nasty_**

_**They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch**_

_**But you'll find that nowadays**_

_**I've mended all my ways**_

_**Repented, seen the light and made a switch**_

_**True? Yes **_

And I fortunately know a little magic

_**It's a talent that I always have possessed**_

_**And here lately, please don't laugh**_

_**I use it on behalf**_

_**Of the miserable, lonely and depressed**_

_**(Pathetic)  
**_

_**Poor unfortunate souls**_

_**In pain**_

_**In need**_

_**This one longing to be thinner**_

_**That one wants to get the girl**_

_**And do I help them?**_

_**Yes, indeed**_

_**Those poor unfortunate souls**_

_**So sad**_

_**So true**_

_**They come flocking to my cauldron**_

_**Crying, "Spells, Ursula please!"**_

_**And I help them?**_

_**Yes, I do**_

_**Now it's happened once or twice**_

_**Someone couldn't pay the price**_

_**And I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals**_

_**Yes, I've had the odd complaint**_

_**But on the whole I've been a saint**_

_**To those poor unfortunate souls**_

"Soo..." Ezra smiled weakly. "Meken and Ashmen, huh? I've been singing that a lot lately. A few weeks ago when Gus had a life-changing 'Lion King' story there was a whole lot of Elton John. He scares us."

"Indeed," nodded Ursula.

"In fact," continued Ezra, "you remind me of him!" This resulted in a smack in the face from Ursula's tentacle. "What did I say? He was on the Muppet Show!"

"Here's how it goes," said the sea witch. "I turn you human for three days and she has to fall in love with you."

"Well, who couldn't?"

"More specifically, she has to kiss you. A kiss of true love. If the sun sets on the third day and she hasn't...you belong to me."

Phineas and Gus, who had been searching for Ezra, were listening. "Holy hatbox!"

"But if I become human, I'll never be able to work in the mansion again," said Ezra. Phineas and Gus nodded, before being kicked into the water by Scar's hyenas.

"Happens," said Ursula, ignoring Phineas and Gus. "Life's full of tough decisions. Oh, and of course there's payment."

"I've got some Disney dollars handy..."

"No, no, no! I need...your voice."

"My voice!" shouted Ezra. "What kind of payment is that? It's stupid and illogical! And another thing! Why is it always love's first kiss? Snow White and Sleeping Beauty had it, and Beauty and the Beast came pretty close. All of you witches and enchantresses think alike. How about she has to slap me on the butt or something? I'd be cool with that. And also---"

"THAT'S WHY WE'RE TAKING YOUR VOICE!" yelled the villains.

Ezra looked embarrassed. "Oh. Makes sense."  
Ursula: **_The girls out there don't like a lot of blabber_**

_**They think a guy who's yapping is a bore**_

_**Yes, for them it's much preferred**_

_**For the men not to say a word  
And after all, then what is idle prattle for?**_

_**Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation**_

_**In fact, you could say that they all hate**_

_**But they dote and swoon and fawn**_

_**On a male who's withdrawn**_

_**It's he who holds his tongue who gets his date  
**_

_**Come on, you poor unfortunate soul**_

_**Go ahead!**_

_**Make your choice!**_

_**I'm a very busy woman**_

_**And I haven't got all day**_

_**It won't cost much**_

_**Just your voice!**_

_**You poor unfortunate soul**_

_**It's sad**_

_**But true**_

_**If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet**_

_**You've got to pay the toll**_

_**Take a gulp and take a breath**_

_**And go ahead and sign the scroll!**_

_**This sea with finally got the ghost**_

_**The boss is on a roll**_

_**This poor unfortunate soul**_

Ezra signed the contract Ursula handed to him.

Ursula: **_Paluga, sarruga, come winds of the Caspian Sea_**...

"Aw, give it a rest!" hissed Hades. "We know you only do that chanting for show!"

"Fine." Ursula zapped Ezra, who was sent flying back to the mansion, sans voice. Phineas and Gus followed in a hurry.

* * *

Yes, I have taken the advice of Jase Andrews and named the Cast Member Ariel. It works, after all. 


	6. The Random Slapstick Scene

That morning, Mr. Bluebird fluttered over to the mansion. Standing before him was a human Ezra...who looked pretty much the same.

"Ezra!" cried the little bird. "You look different! Did you change your hat? Brush your teeth?"

"He's human, you idiot!" yelled Gus.

"Yeah! Ursula changed him," explained Phineas.

Mr. Bluebird studied Ezra. "You think she could have changed him into an ATTRACTIVE human?"

Ezra angrily shouted at the bird, but nothing came out.

"Oh yeah," remembered Gus. "She's got his voice, too." Ezra sighed.

"I don't think he'll be able to talk to Ariel now," realized Phineas.

There was a short pause. Suddenly, Gus yelled, "Wait, her name is ARIEL? We've been waiting half the story to hear her name, and they just named her ARIEL?"

Phineas shrugged. "It could have been worse. They could have named her Ted."

"That's a guy's name," said Gus.

"See? And that's how it could have been worse!"

Mr. Bluebird spotted a familiar attractive Cast Member walking down the path towards the mansion. "Hey, there she is!" He quickly scrawled something down on piece of paper floating by in the wind. "Don't worry, Ezra! I've written something for her! Just give Ariel this piece of paper."

Ezra scampered over and handed it to her.

"What did that say?" asked Gus.

"Southern pickup lines from the 1800's."

"He's about to die again," worried Phineas. Instead, Ariel and Ezra walk away, hand in hand, to the others' surprise.

"Good thing she has a sense of humor," smiled Mr. Bluebird. "See? I told you I knew what I was doing! You just gotta have Posituvity!" The bird happily flew off.

"What's that?" asked Phineas.

"Disney speak," replied Gus. "I ignore it."

"We should follow them. Something could easily go wrong."

Gus thought for a second. "If they go to Tomorrowland, we could spy on them from the Timekeeper."

"I heard they're replacing that with a Monsters Inc. ride," sighed Phineas,

"What does that have to do with the future!" exclaimed Gus.

"Maybe it's about the apocalypse when monsters will roam the earth."

"You gotta stop reading those pamphlets you find on subways," advised Gus. Suddenly, he stopped walking. "Speak of the devil."

"Yes we are."

"No, no, no! Look over there! It's Randall!" It was true. The scaly monster suddenly became visible and scared away the Cast Member working at the little gift cart outside the mansion. He then began to rip off the Hitchhiking Ghost plushes and destroy each of them.

"Oh yeah," said Phineas. "He was always jealous at how scary we were..."

(To the tune of "Les Poissons")

Randall: **_Stupid ghosts_**

_**Stupid ghosts**_

_**How I hate stupid ghosts**_

_**Wanna punch**_

_**Or just kick them away**_

_**So I find all these dolls**_

_**And I smash them on walls**_

_**And trust me**_

_**It delights me all day  
**_

_**Stupid ghosts**_

_**Stupid ghosts**_

_**Wanna zap**_

_**Wanna roast**_

_**And I throw the plushes to their doom**_

_**No, it's not the same thing**_

_**But it's satisfying**_

_**God, I love to hurt ghosts**_

_**Don't you?**_

_**Here's one thing to do that's my favorite**_

_**It's truly the best game I play**_

_**As I destroy 'em I stop and savor it**_

_**Then I slash through the skin**_

_**And I pour out the beans**_

_**Then I stick a bomb in**_

_**And blow it up (how mean!)**_

"What a jerk!" glared Gus.

Phineas suddenly had an idea that would have made Ezra proud. "Hey, let's get back at him! We have powers, too, after all!"

Phineas and Gus quickly shrunk down to the size of plushes and fell in front of Randall.

Randall looked down. "Well, what's this? I missed two. How unfortunate...for them."

_**Holy crap**_

_**What is this?**_

_**How on earth could I miss**_

_**A cute pair of innocent toys**_

_**Oh, pity**_

_**(For their sake)**_

_**I'll dunk them in the lake**_

_**It's a dirty one here**_

_**Okay, boys?**_

_**The thing 'bout ghosts I dread**_

_**Is that they're sadly dead**_

_**So I take it all out on these guys**_

_**So sad and what a loss**_

_**They'll be gone in one toss**_

_**See you later, small ghosts  
And bye bye!**_

Randall held the ghosts over the lake where Tom Sawyer Island was located and prepared to dunk them when Gus hit him with his ball and chain. Randall dropped the ghosts, who grew to their real size.

"Oh yeah? Try and stop me now!" Randall turned invisible and attacked Phineas, beating up the poor ghost.

"Gus!" Phineas called weakly. "Use...the...force!"

"I'm sorta out of the force. Is this okay?" Gus splattered some black paint on the invisible Randall, so they could see him.

Phineas grinned. "This'll be fun!" Phineas and Gus rolled their cart at him, sending both the small shop and the monster into the dirty lake.

"We did it!" cheered Gus as they ran to find Ezra and Ariel.

"But we wrecked our cart," pointed out Phineas.

"But we beat Randall," said Gus.

"But we wrecked out cart."

"But we beat Randall."

"But we wrecked out cart."

"But we beat Randall."

"But we wrecked out cart."

"But we beat Randall."

"But we wrecked out cart."

"But we beat Randall..."

* * *

That was a lot of fun to write. I tried to make the "Les Poisson" song as twisted as it was in the movie (one of the best scenes!). What bugs me about many parodies of this is that the chef character inexplicably speaks French!

The term "Posituvity" is one of the songs in the upcoming Broadway musical of "The Little Mermaid."


	7. Typhoon Lagoon

Ariel and Ezra strolled down Main Street. "Gee, it's too bad you're mute and all. But these little papers you keep slipping me with southern pickup lines are...funny."

"Well," thought Ezra, "she's sort of a Mary Sue character, but she's MY Mary Sue character!"

Suddenly, Ariel turned around. "Hey...I think that guy was leering at me..." She karate chopped a random guy. "LAY OFF!"

"Wow," thought Ezra.

Gus and Phineas watched Ariel and Ezra from the distance. "Well, aside from him combing his hair with a fork," said Gus, "their date is going well."

"Why did he do that, anyway?" asked Phineas.

"Beats me. When do they kiss?"

"Relax, things will go well!"

Ariel, meanwhile, was on alert again. "Hey, I think that guy bumped into me on purpose!" Ariel punched someone. "Touch me and die!"

"I can't kiss her!" thought Ezra. "If I touch her, she'll destroy me! This girl is crazy! ...wow, she's so great! She's not a Mary Sue character! She's just like me! She might even hate 'Mike's Supershort Show!' I GOTTA TALK!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back at the mansion, everyone was searching for the three missing ghosts. "Where did those three go?" wondered Gracey.

"No sign of them," reported a Raven. "Caw! Leota picked up vibes of a song being sang at the Fantasmic stage last night. Something about Ursula and the villains."

"Trust me, Ezra and the villains hate each other. They're obviously somewhere else."

As Gracey left, Phineas and Gus snuck in.

"Ghosts!" called Phineas. "We need help! All 996 of you!"

"But don't tell Gracey!" added Gus.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ezra and Ariel were in a boat floating through Typhoon Lagoon after it closed. The waves were, of course, turned off. "Being a Cast Member has its advantages, you know," smiled Ariel. "My favorite ride is the Haunted Mansion. You remind me of it, for some reason..."

"Gottatalkgottatalkgottatalk.." Ezra thought frantically.

Phineas, Gus, and the others watched. Even Mr. Bluebird was there. "If my pickup lines didn't make her go psycho on him, then nothing will!" chirped the little bird. "He can make the first move if he wants."

"He's obviously not taking that risk," said Phineas. "It looks like this girl's gotta do it herself."

Gus smiled. "I have an idea."

"Involving song?" hoped Phineas.

"Sure, why not?"

Mr. Bluebird flew over the couple. "I get it! A romantic tune! Let me see...**_SOONER OR LATER BRER RABBIT IS GONNA COME HOME..._**"

"What's he doing out of Splash Mountain?" wondered Ariel. "Weird guy, huh? I sure wish Disney would just release that movie."

"ME TOO!" thought Ezra.

Phineas: First, we have to create the mood. Percussion...Strings...Winds...Words...

_**There you see him**_

_**Sitting there across the way**_

_**He don't got a lot to say**_

_**But there's something about him**_

_**And you don't know why**_

_**But you're dying to try**_

_**You wanna kiss the guy**_

Gus: **_Yes, you want him_**

_**Look at him, you know you do**_

_**Possible he wants you too**_

_**There is one way to ask him**_

_**It don't take a word**_

_**Not a single word**_

_**Go on and kiss the guy**_

Ghosts: **_Sha la la la la la_**

_**My oh my**_

_**Look like the girl's too shy**_

_**Ain't gonna kiss the guy**_

_**Sha la la la la la**_

_**Ain't that sad?**_

_**Ain't it a shame?**_

_**Too bad, she's gonna miss the guy**_

"I wish I knew your name," said Ariel. "Is it Timmy? Mortimer?"

A tiny pop-up ghost flew by. "It's Ezra."

"Ezra?" guessed Ariel. Ezra happily nodded. Ariel smiled. "Huh. I don't know why...but I like that name."

Gus poured something into the pool. "It's pink dye! It'll make the scene look romantic!"

"It looks more tacky than romantic," said Phineas.

"Then it's Disney!" cheered Mr. Bluebird and Gus.

Phineas: **_Now's your moment_**

_**Floating in Typhoon Lagoon**_

_**Wow, you better do it soon**_

_**No time will be better**_

Gus: **_He don't say a word_**

_**And he won't say a word**_

_**Until you kiss the guy**_

Ghosts: **_Sha la la la la la_**

_**Don't be scared**_

_**You got the mood prepared**_

_**Go on and kiss the guy**_

_**Sha la la la la la**_

_**Don't stop now**_

_**Don't try to hide it how**_

_**You want to kiss the guy**_

_**Sha la la la la la**_

_**Float along**_

_**And listen to the song**_

_**The song say kiss the guy**_

_**Sha la la la la**_

_**The music play**_

_**Do what the music say**_

_**You got to kiss the guy**_

_**You've got to kiss the guy**_

_**You wanna kiss the guy**_

_**You've gotta kiss the guy**_

_**Go on and kiss the guy**_

Pain and Panic scurried to the pool's controls just as Ariel and Ezra were about to kiss. The imps turned on the waves, causing the boat to be tipped over.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ursula watched all of this through a crystal ball. "Hades, I thought you said Pain and Panic were incompetent!"

"Eh, they usually are. That was pretty close, though."

"Indeed. I must take matters into my own tentacles and turn into a man!"

Hades backed away, disturbed. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Didn't know you were that way. Maybe we should get someone else to do that. I've always had suspicions about that gorilla in Tarzan..."

"You're a witty one. Fine! Your imps can shape shift, so they'll do it! We can even use the ghost's voice."

"THEM! I just said they were lucky tonight!"

"Less work for us," grinned Ursula.

"Let's do it."


	8. The Wedding

Mr. Bluebird flew into Ezra's hotel room that morning. "I heard the good news! Great job, Ezra!"

Phineas looked up in confusion. "What job?"

"You're getting married today and you don't even know it? Man, I'll never understand you guys."

Gus rolled his eyes. "He's not getting married! ...is he?"

Mr. Bluebird flew over to the window. "Hey, Ariel's right down there! And...she has a different guy with her."

Ariel was walking with a handsome man. The mystery guy waved to Ezra with an evil look.

"Holy hatbox!" thought Ezra. "Wait, someone said that already...what's another exclamation? Holy crimespree, Batman! No, that was on some series...I think it was Superman or something. Forget the exclamation! My heart's been shattered by an icepick!"

"There's something fishy going on here," said Gus.

"Of course it's fishy," reasoned Phineas. "It's a _Little Mermaid_ parody, after all."

"No! Look at Ariel! She's, like, in a trance or something."

"Yeah," said Mr. Bluebird, "something weird is going on here! I'm gonna go spy on this guy."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Bluebird followed the man into a bathroom and hid in a stall. He peeked out as the man turned into Pain and Panic.

"How come I'm the lower half?" complained Pain. "You get to do all the kissing!"

"Yeah, but the lower half gets to do all the...you know..."

"Ooh. Nice."

Hades appeared next to them. "There won't be any 'you know!' Ursula will take over at the wedding!"

"Dang," grumbled Pain. "I get to be the top half now." Pain jumped on Panic, crushing him.

"Ouch!" squeaked the little imp. "You're eating way too much McDonald's, man!"

"Holy hatbox!" thought Mr. Bluebird. "Wait, did someone already say that? This explains everything! Not only why Ariel is in a trance, but why Pain is so fat! It looks like it's up to me to save the day!" He flew off.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The little bird soon told everyone else what happened.

"Wow," said Phineas, "so THAT'S why Pain is so fat! He's really packing away those McNuggets."

Gus jumped up. "We've got a wedding to stop! Okay, bird, you smuggle as many Disney characters as you can into the Wedding Pavilion and stall while we figure out how to get there ourselves!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Bluebird was soon getting many characters inside. "Okay, gargoyles, don't come out of your statue form until I give the signal!"

"But they've got a shrimp buffet!" complained Hugo. "You know how I love shrimp!"

The bird continued over to a table which was covered with seemingly inanimate objects. "Let's see, we've also got the toys from _Toy Story_, the furniture from _Beauty and the Beast_ (now they can change back whenever they want)..." he motioned to several wrapped up appliances, "and we've even smuggled in some 'wedding gifts!' No one will suspect dumb inanimate appliances to come to life!"

"HEY!" snapped Lampy from _The Brave Little Toaster_, coming to life. "I happen to come from a very bright family!"

"Turn yourself off!" hissed Mr. Bluebird.

The Genie flew in. "Hey, what about me? I can change into ANYTHING! This form takes the cake!" He turned into a wedding cake. "Or what about a luau theme for the wedding?" The entire pavilion became the Tiki Room. "Come on, you're a bird! I'm sure you'll love this!"

"Sorry, you'll just have to be something small and inconspicuous."

"Is there already a lamp?" asked the Genie.

"Yes!" called Lampy, annoyed. "Find someone else to impersonate!"

"Fine...I'll just be a centerpiece." The Genie turned into an extravagant centerpiece in the shape of Mickey. It lit up and everything.

Mr. Bluebird sighed. "Well...it beats the Tiki Room."

Gus, Phineas, and Ezra snuck in. "Now we just wait for the wedding to start!" said Gus.

"Hey," pointed Phineas, "does that minister have an erection?"

"That's just his knee."

"What about Aladdin saying 'Good teenagers, take off your clothes?'"

"He's saying, 'Good tiger, take off and go.'"

"What about the dust that says 'SEX' in the Lion King?"

"It really says 'SFX.'"

"Oh."

The wedding began. Finally, Mr. Bluebird announced, "ATTACK!"

The characters all came to life and started beating up Pain and Panic's human form. Lampy shone his light in their eyes. The Radio jumped down and began to swat them with his antenna. "A blow for Richard! A blow for Marion! A blow for Mario, the garbage man! And for Carl and all the boys at the delicatessen! And here's one for the guys on 5th street!"

Laverne sent her doves at the imps. "Fly, fly, my pretties!"

Victor snuck off to the sides. "Oh dear, I never did like fights."

"I'm just gonna be going for the shrimp," grinned Hugo.

Cogsworth swung down on a chandelier and kicked Pain and Panic. The Genie zapped them. "Take that, you imps!"

Defeated, Pain and Panic transformed back into themselves.

"I will marry them anyway," said Ariel in a trance.

"SCORE!" cheered Pain and Panic.

Ezra noticed Panic holding a box marked "Ezra's Voice." He grabbed the jar and drank the contents as the Popeye theme played. "YEE-HAW! This ghost is back and you two are going down!"

Ariel broke out of the spell. "Ezra?"

"In the flesh! By the way, I normally don't have any flesh." The sun set. Suddenly, Ezra became a ghost. "Aw, crap."

Ursula burst in. "HA! I WIN!" She grabbed Ezra and swam away.

"Remember me as a lover of sorts!" called Ezra.


	9. Happy End

Ezra found himself being held by Ursula in Ariel's Grotto. "Where's the mermaid?" he asked.

"Over at Tokyo Disney Sea. You're doomed, Ezra."

"What's your plan, anyway?" the ghost continued. "If I'm about to be raped by a sea witch, I'd really like some warning first!"

"You're such a silly ghost," sighed Ursula. "I plan to use your uncontrollable spirit to take over this park! Do you know how much cash that 'Ursula World' will make?"

Ezra suddenly realized something. "Wait...if you're using my spirit...and I AM a spirit...HOLY CRAP, THIS IS THE END! Uh...did I ever tell you how beautiful you are? The tentacles, the purple skin, it's total sex appeal!"

"Shut up." Ursula slapped Ezra.

"Ooh," the ghost grinned hopefully, "I'm really turned on now!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phineas and Ariel nervously paced at the Cast Member's apartment. "We've got to think of something!" said Ariel. "This is just like the plot of _The Little Mermaid_, but I can't remember how they beat Ursula!"

"I can't either!" sighed Phineas. "It's sad when Disney characters forget their own plots."

Gus ran in.. "Straight from Blockbuster, it's the video!"

They turned on the TV. "American Dragon: Jake Long" was on. "I'm going ghost! ...uh, I mean, dragon up! Wow, I hope no one heard that."

They put the tape in and fast forwarded towards the final fight scene.

"Hey," said Phineas, "did you ever notice in a lot of 'parodies' of this story they, like us, don't have the main character as a mermaid, but they keep the nautical lyrics of 'Fathoms Below' the same?"

"Yeah, that's pretty uncreative," agreed Ariel.

"And," continued Phineas, "they also keep most the fish references the same in 'Under the Sea."

"Well," Ariel shrugged, "I guess not everyone can write a song parody."

"But you know what really burns me up?" grumbled Gus. "They make almost no changes to the original script!"

Ariel lowered her voice. "That's not the worst part...they get a ton of praising reviews!"

All three of them screamed as thunder randomly clapped. Ariel turned back to the TV. "Hey, here's the final fight scene!"

"I swear the minister has an erection," said Phineas.

"Shut up."

"Okay," said Ariel, "so they plunge a ship into her heart. Eww. Hey, didn't Maleficent die in almost the same way?"

"How do we kill her that way?" wondered Gus.

"I have an idea!" Ariel run out, towards the Magic Kingdom.

"Yeah, she's totally like Ezra," said Phineas.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ursula circled Ezra. "In a few minutes, I'll take your soul, meaning that I'm taking you period!"

"No more taunting! I don't respond well to taunting!"

Mr. Bluebird flew in. "Leave the ghost alone, you villain!"

"Flotsam! Jetsam!" ordered Ursula. "Take the bird out!" The two eels flopped around limply.

"I guess they don't work on land, huh?" said Ezra.

An army of Disney characters surrounded the grotto. Deciding the time was right, Ursula sucked Ezra's essence up, leaving a shriveled green thing in his place. "I have power! I tower over all of you fools! None of you can stop me! You're all...worthless!"

"This is my park!" defended Mickey.

"Oh, fearsome Kingdom Hearts boy is after me. Whatever can I do?" She zapped Mickey. "I WIN! I WIN!"

Ariel suddenly flew at her in a flying ship. "Wrong, Ursula! I've just come from Peter Pan's Flight! Prepare to meet faith, trust, and pixie dust!" Ariel plunged the ship's mast into Ursula, making the sea witch crumble and fall. Ezra was instantly restored.

"No!" shouted Ursula, dissolving into a puddle. "I'll be back! I'll be back..." Ursula disappeared.

"So long and thanks for all the fish!" cheered Ariel.

"Back or not, they're not gonna pay her this week," said Ezra.

Mickey rushed up to the couple. "Ariel, you've saved our park! For that, you deserve a promotion!"

"Well, a job at the Haunted Mansion would be nice..."

"Done!"

George Gracey stepped forward as well. "And as for you, Ezra, you obviously long to be human more than all of us. I'm sure we can find a replacement ghost."

"But the whole time I was human, I missed the mansion. I want to stay a ghost."

Madame Leota turned him into a human anyway.

"HEY!" yelled Ezra. "I SAID I WANTED TO STAY A GHOST!"

Leota sighed and turned Ezra into a ghost again. "Just when I thought I was rid of him..."

Ezra bounced around energetically. "Woo-hoo! I'm a ghost again! I'm incurably, uninterrably out of my head, I've been diagnosed! But it don't matter if you're mad as a hatter when you're lucky enough to be a..." He stopped singing and turned to Ariel. "I'm sorry, Ariel. I wish we could stay together."

"But I don't care if you're a ghost! I still love you!"

"Aww," said the crowd. Ezra and Ariel kissed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Randall snuck through the Mansion's halls. "I have infiltrated the Mansion. Now to throw all the books around, knock over the suit of armor, and other stuff!"

Suddenly, he was scorched by a some flying candles. Yelling in pain, the monster stumbled into the path of several Doombuggies, which ran him over. Phineas and Gus gave the splattered villain a final kick, sending him flying out of the mansion and once again landing in the lake.

Ezra and Ariel strolled through the graveyard, not caring if guests saw them. "Ah, the mansion!" said Ezra. "Ghosts, gargoyles, graves, optimistic music...wait, the only time we have optimistic music is when there's a reprise..."

Ariel and Ezra: **_Now we can walk, now we can run_**

_**Now we can finally just have some fun**_

_**Just you and me**_

_**Now I can be**_

_**Part of your world**_

Phineas, Gus, and Mr. Bluebird smiled from the Attic's window. Phineas turned to Gus. "Are you SURE the priest didn't have an erection?"

* * *

So ends the tale of Ezra. I'd like to thank everyone for reviewing and leaving real reviews. I've seen a lot of stories where people just write. "Oh no! I can't believe (Insert name of character playing King Triton) just did that!" or "(Insert name of character playing Ursula) just tricked (insert name of character playing Ariel)." They're nothing but plot recaps! The people sound like they've never even SEEN the movie!

...So thanks, everyone.


End file.
